I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
