i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
