I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
