Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
