I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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