If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
