He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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