my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
