Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
