Plan B is the new Plan A
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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