Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I want her autograph on my taint
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
