how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
