I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
