There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
