so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
