I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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