Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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