Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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