True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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