Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
