Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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