I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
