i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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