i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
