My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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