After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
