My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
