Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
