I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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