i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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