If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
