You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
