there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
