yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
