i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
