I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
