I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
