Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
