When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
