I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
