I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
