Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
