Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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