If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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