We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
