She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
soo... how was my night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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