how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
