does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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