Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
