i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
