Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
this boner is exhausting
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
