I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
