Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize