Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
