She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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