i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
