I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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