So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
