I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
