On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
