marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
