I'm gonna have a badass scar
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
