using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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