Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The air taste purple.
Randomize
