i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
